How Integrity Works … and Doesn’t, by Doug McVadon

We talk  a lot about the definition of integrity, practices for integrity and restoring integrity. One thing became clear for me this week: integrity is nothing more than workability.

It doesn’t have to exist in any specialized language.

We all know whether something works, or not--a conversation, a meeting, a paragraph--and we all know when, instead, it falls flat, misses the mark, fails to communicate.

Fred said he would call me, and we had scheduled the call for 5pm, weeks in advance.  It was in our calendars. I turned down two other requests from people: “Sorry, I have a call right at five.”

It was to be an important conversation, so I was trying to get clear in my own mind what I wanted to discuss, what I would listen for in his voice, what I might ask about, or ask to hear more about. What would Nancy and Jane ask me later that I would regret not finding out?

My day was organized around this last business appointment, which might take me until 6 pm.

I was ready, ear buds in place, and in a location with a good signal.

 

Nothing. No call. Did I have it wrong? I checked my calendar. No, it was today.

I found the email soon after, sent at 4:45:  “My apologies...” it started, and I was too disheartened to read it all, and it was short!

Deflated.

Back in my court.

He couldn’t make it.

Well, dammit, I could. But apparently that doesn’t count for anything.

And I suppose I’ll have to hear about the reason and feel bad about myself if it’s something like his kids are sick, since that makes me a heartless bastard just for being on time and with no personal problems to bring to today’s call.

When my blood pressure returned to normal, I could observe myself. Wow, that really did trigger me! And the email I got just beforehand is supposed to make it okay.

That is the difference between integrity as “doing what is required under the rules” versus integrity as “accounting for the cost of breaking OR revoking one’s word.”

He did what he was supposed to do when breaking one’s word: be in communication before your word is due. And he apologized.

It is the Concept of integrity versus the Experience of integrity.

Sure he told me, and he told me in time, before the call was to start. But it wasn’t the same as REACHING me, so I could hear the humanity over there and get connected. I saw that I wouldn't have minded if he’d called me right at 4:58 and spent five minutes with me to let me know something had come up and he had to reschedule. Anything but the email brushoff.

That impersonal communication didn’t address the unworkability of having an executive and business owner (me) count on something all day and then cancel with minutes to go until the meeting. I will never get that preparation time back--time I would have used it for something else. It made parts of my day unworkable, and it didn’t contribute to our relationship. An attempt to connect and speak live would have put the attention on what works.

We know it when we see it--integrity in action--and it requires few words.

Being on time (early)

Helping to host, prepare food, set tables, get out supplies

Providing what is needed without being asked

Looking out for the wellbeing of others

Being attentive to the contribution of others

Listening and saying “tell me more”

Keeping the “letter of the law” has the appearance of integrity (I let him know in advance!)

But a closer look reveals a lack of integrity there (not taking care of the other, not appreciating one’s impact on another, leaving it up the other person to follow up).

Integrity as lived is more than a cold concept. It only makes sense in being related. And without being related, it doesn’t work.

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