Unwelcome assignment, by Nancy Dorrier

I had been working with Joe, executive of an outdoor education adventure company for teenagers and their families, for about 6 months in an executive coaching engagement, meeting one on one about every 2 weeks and some email back and forth.

We loved working together and working on his being a great leader, listening to parents’ concerns, raising money from donors who are looking for how to make a difference with family money or with their corporation’s philanthropy.

While Joe complained about one of his staff over and over, I listened and wondered what am I going to say to cause a positive and useful shift in his thinking.

At first I thought well she must be a real problem so I asked a few questions and couldn’t see what he was saying was the problem, the way she put things, the way she went on and on, the way she interrupted, the way she never made her point which were some of my pet peeves.  Not those things, just bothered by her thinking style, her presentation style.  It wasn’t real clear.

I asked about her performance her results and how the parents and guides liked her.  Over the top.  I could see myself in Joe and how we both can get blinded by someone’s style that we don’t particularly like and find annoying and frustrating yet she is producing results and the parents and teachers like her and she is always on time with her reports and gives effective talks at team meetings.

So I gave him this assignment and he accepted under some protest and here it is.

During meetings and in the hall and coffee area, when you can, when you can see something to say, say something you appreciate about her work and what she is doing well.  Do it 3 ways, one on one in person, in front of her team and in writing on an email so she can forward it to her husband or mom or whomever she wants to share what is happening at work.  All three ways.  Not one or two or three.  One and two and three.

He did it.

I wasn’t sure exactly what would happen.

He likes to be right about his opinions and doesn’t suffer fools gladly so this could have been hard one to let go.  Gathering evidence for his complaints and being right that he is right.

I thought at the very least he would be under less stress gathering evidence for what IS working.

What happened is now he really loves Cindy and loves how she contributes to the team exactly how she does and he tells her so.

Based in this affinity, he is making bigger requests of her and also able to give her feedback about her behavior that is less effective when it is which she loves and thanks him for and says bring it on, give me more.

This is a story of turning a complaint into a freaking miracle.

This is a story that happens over and over at work and at our work, in fact, and having a way to work your way out of the conundrum, the stuck place is magical.

It seems simple but it isn’t.  His appreciations had to be specific, close to the time that the positive behavior occurred and he had to authentically praise her, not just do it because it was his homework.

He has taken this practice and is spreading it out in other situations, personal and business and can hardly believe its rewards.  Needless to say, his wife and children like this new Joe.