Dorrier Underwood

When my friend Carla and I visited a friend in New Jersey for the first time, we walked into her apartment and immediately began emptying ashtrays, collecting trash and cleaning the cat box, even while chatting amiably. We were so taken over by the sensory assault that we never paused to consider how our efforts might occur to our hostess. We’ve all been there. Something triggers us, and we dive into action without even thinking about the impact. Trouble is, that kind of knee-jerk action can kick off a whole host of relationship issues: hurt feelings, confusion, disconnection, defensiveness, blame, smoldering resentment, gossip, and on it goes. And in the workplace, when there are big goals to accomplish through people and collaboration, those are road blocks we can’t afford to let block our way. There are myriad ways to work on not letting our first impulse be the one that gets to come out and play. One of those is what we call “being in another’s world.” What does ...

The rain lashed the dock, wave after wave of it, while I remained safely moored in a covered slip. It is during these enforced moments of solitude that I enjoy tinkering with my boat, reading and dozing.     And that’s when I heard a couple--a man and a woman--two slips down from me.  He was directing her in no uncertain terms on how he wanted things done on the boat. And to hear him tell it, she was not listening very well.  The force of the rain in their exposed slip added pressure on this couple to cover up their boat quickly.   Even so, I thought the man’s language was insulting.  In the world of fair - weather boaters, unfortunately, men all too often show up as domineering know-it-alls.  And all too often the object of their unpleasantness is  women .    As I listened I thought,  “This is a great example of a ‘background of r elatedness’ disconnect!  He’s shouting and calling names and making demands, and she’s not resp...

"I think I finally got it, McVadon," he said on his typical early morning call to me during what he calls "windshield time." What's that? "Getting it to come out of THEIR mouths, by shutting mine for long enough!" It had been a long time coming, this moving of Adam's understanding of the concept, which came quickly, into being able to produce the phenomenon in reality. It had sounded simple enough, something like "shut up for longer, don't overwhelm them with your facts and spreadsheets and irrefutable logic, and listen and ask strategic questions based on what you hear." But nothing was simple in the six-person partner group of the newly-merged accounting firm. Each person was easily threatened and vying to show their value, so their strengths frequently showed up in the extreme, and became their weaknesses. In Adam's case, his ability to synthesize a lot of material into a cogent argument supporting a clearly stated propo...

“Listen, do you want to know a secret? Listen, do you promise not to tell? I am in love with you.” Listen, pay attention. There is someone there. Someone brilliant and you will see them if you listen and listen a little longer. At first and still, I have thought our new program on listening and love was about giving a gift, the gift of really listening without interrupting with your good idea or to make a joke or say what that reminds you of, etc.  Now, I think it is also about giving yourself that gift of discovery, that gift of seeing for the first time. What does this have to do with business strategy? With business success?  Except everything? At the end of the day no matter what the numbers, no matter how big the success was, it was the people. People that love to work together, think things through together, and pull together and celebrate a job well done or work out recovering from a failure together.  I got up this morning and ...

It started with the strange gurgling sound from the downstairs toilet. The sound of a day going down the drain, I would later say, but at the moment it was just unusual. On her way out to Union County Melinda said, “Shut the lid.” How lame , I thought, shut the toilet lid to prevent overflowing? Doesn’t she know there’s a big gap between the seat and the toilet? I heard it again, as we both watched the big white truck with the green sign saying Charlotte-Mecklenburg Utility stopped in front of our house. Two men bundled against the cold—it had been 25º at dawn—gripped an orange hose on a reel and fed it into the sewer drain they’d taken the lid off of. I waved bye to Melinda, and looking at the truck, she shouted through the passenger window to me, “Shut the lid!” Walking back inside, I muttered to myself, “Whatever, okay, I’ll close it.” A few minutes later I heard a new sound, pouring water, no… spraying water! My god, the water is coming out...

Do you know you don’t listen….? I have examples of times you asked about the very thing someone just said. And you interrupt! I always thought of myself as a good listener. People tell me that, and they also say I hear things most people don’t hear……..so what was Nancy trying to tell me? Have I been fooling myself? Have others been kissing up to me? WHAT WHAT?? That was my initial reaction to Nancy’s assessment. I could tell she was a bit uncertain how to say that to me. And I also know that if Nancy Dorrier is giving me input, I ought better listen. Not because I’ll be in trouble if I don’t (although that young conversation is in the mix), it’s just that if she is going to bring this up, there really is something for me to take on. She is my champion, the very one I asked for. And so I look. I know I have a short attention span at times. No wonder that one of my listening filters is “get to the point.” One of the ways I have dealt with that is to engage in the conversation ...

One of Dorrier Underwood’s tools for building relationships is to use creative writing as a path to discovery and authentic communication. We’ve long used the practice internally, and are happy to expand it to include blogging, as a way for us to share our exploration – and process of exploration - with you.  Nancy Dorrier, thought leader, co-founder, and president of Dorrier Underwood, starts us off with a reflection on creative alignment. What is it?  I listen to ourselves. Our intern used to say we interrupt a lot. She isn’t saying or not saying, Wow you guys listen a lot . She isn’t even being critical. “I am just saying.” Then I listen to a friend and his wife talk on top of each other and I don’t know which one to respond to. Trucking along in the conversation and here comes another voice. What is the value of 2 brains or 3 brains? Someone is thinking beyond, or at least other than the way I think, and the way you think. You and I can only think what we ...