Dorrier Underwood

We love drama. The TNT network knows this, Hollywood knows this, and the folks at barber shops and beauty shops all over America know it. Drama is fun, juicy, it just feels good, and when you are feeling put upon or wronged, it seems like a sweet elixir, but it's really snake oil. It makes us think we'll feel better, but usually leaves us still feeling upset, or even more upset. And most drama, or at least the best drama, is just assessment and speculation. It is not the actual thing that is transpiring. It is the constellation of thoughts you have about the thing that happened, many of them fueled by the “being wronged-ness” of it all. What is fact is that "she talked while you were talking." It's an interpretation that doing that was "rude," and further interpretation that "She is rude." And it is interpretation that "being rude is why she is ineffective," and it is interpretation that she's "ineffective." But...

Elbows off the table, don’t talk with food in your mouth, don’t spit on the floor. Level one, but then level 20 might be, don’t stand up to leave until everyone has eaten, don’t interrupt others, don’t say “every time” and “never,” don’t always defend yourself when you are given feedback. As a parent, I try to teach my kids manners, as I was taught by my parents, and I always saw this through a moral lens, like “You ought to do this, because it is right.” More and more now as a parent I see it differently, that manners are not just “it is right” but they make it easier for me to produce what I am out to produce. Kids mostly don’t produce anything on a vacation. My wife and I pack, I drive, we make sure they get three meals, somewhere to sleep, somewhere to go to the restroom. Mostly their job is to do nothing. But if they employ their best manners, it makes our jobs easier: I don’t have to attend to their fighting with each other, with their whining about what they don’t ...

I wondered how this program would go, and was excited to be co-leading with Doug. When I discovered that I would not be co-leading but would be more backup and support, I have to admit I was sad. I really wanted to lead. You know me, center of the room, all eyes on me. But I took it on. I decided that I would be the leader even if I did not say anything. I was anything but subordinate to Doug, challenging him on what to do next and sending in ideas on scraps of paper to share, which he did share almost 100% of the time. We had one moment when I tried to help overtly, and though the content was needed, the context was not there for them to hear me, or for me to speak loudly enough for them to hear me. It was like they did not give me a voice, me, the loudest guy you know. So I just supported and made sure Doug was the man. I did not back off one iota but I did not speak again until Doug asked me to share something I had written to him. And in a loud strong voice I told them ...