Dorrier Underwood

My grandson, Phillip, 16, and I just returned from a vacation in California.    He was the last of the grandchildren to go on “a Nana trip,” and we planned the trip with the redwoods in mind. I was happy he hadn't aged out of spending time with his grandmother.   Around Christmas last year, I wondered to Phillip and his brother Alexander if I would ever become a boring grandmother, if at some point their friends and girls would be more interesting so they wouldn’t want to visit.  “No way,” they said. “We will bring our friends and girls, and oh Nana, you will never be boring.”   So okay, not boring.  Sometimes hard of hearing and not getting the joke, but not boring. And they are happy to repeat themselves and explain the jokes. On the trip to California, Phillip and I saw the redwoods, lots of them. Phillip had his daddy’s drone with him, which he had stayed up late to fix before our early morning flight.  He filmed from the bottom to...

Making transformation last or letting it go and then starting over An opening for love was present in Congress after the shooting at the baseball field where Republican Congress people and staff were practicing for their game against the Democrats.   At the Capitol and at the White House, there was a somber mood, preceded by shock, then condolences and love and a commitment to harmony and affinity in the midst of disagreement about policy. Compromise and coming to decisions for our country--that's the job of leadership. At first I was thinking I could write about making transformation last, but  it   doesn’t,   just like everything else: objects, political parties in the majority, good moods, bad moods, marital bliss. Transformation exists over time by our continuing to create it.   We create it in conversations for a new human being, a new relationship, making new vows and promises. We create it and recreate it.   We apologize for where we...

Doug came out in the hall from the lunch buffet at the fancy hotel where we were leading a program and said, “I have to tell you something.”  He had tears in his eyes.  He had been tearing up already while leading this program for “Acme Manufacturing” executives.  Before we met the participants, we thought they were big-dogs, but then we found out they were people. We always tear up when we start loving people, finding they are no longer strangers. “I need to tell you something. I want you to know that I have never been so taken care of:  lozenges, water, your getting the flip charts up on the wall, managing the hotel personnel. Susie wants to come talk theory on the breaks and instead of talking, you’re listening to what I need, leading from the back. I am so moved. I don’t have to be the only one watching out for my well-being.  You have my back.  I want all of our consultants to have this kind of support from the back of the room. I want ...

What is left of us when we leave the room, leave the call, leave the house, leave the party, and, of course, leave ultimately?  Perhaps our conversations--what we talked about and what we listened to. Plain and simple. What were we building on those empty lots of time? The weather was too hot and the traffic too much and parking places too hard to find. Were those worth the real estate they occupied? We have this moment, this precious moment, so tell me what you love about your life, what you love about your work, and what matters to you. Tell me about Billy Collins or Bruce Springsteen or Maya Angelou, who said, People don’t remember what you said; they remember who they were in your presence . Do people get bigger and brighter or smaller and duller around you? Make a list: Whom do you talk to and what you talk about? That’s the baseline. Make a second list: What could you talk about with them that you aren’t now? And what could you a...

I had been working with Joe, executive of an outdoor education adventure company for teenagers and their families, for about 6 months in an executive coaching engagement, meeting one on one about every 2 weeks and some email back and forth. We loved working together and working on his being a great leader, listening to parents’ concerns, raising money from donors who are looking for how to make a difference with family money or with their corporation’s philanthropy. While Joe complained about one of his staff over and over, I listened and wondered what am I going to say to cause a positive and useful shift in his thinking. At first I thought well she must be a real problem so I asked a few questions and couldn’t see what he was saying was the problem, the way she put things, the way she went on and on, the way she interrupted, the way she never made her point which were some of my pet peeves.  Not those things, just bothered by her thinking style, her presentation s...

Today, after connecting on many points with a fabulous candidate for our team, I asked him:  “Harry, what would take me a long time to find out about you, the good and the bad?” Without hesitation, he told me about his music career and his deep abiding love for his parents, his love of cooking and holding dinnertime sacred with his family, and the Friday night Seders where everyone comes, even the teenagers. When I said, “And the bad,” he said without hesitation: “I don’t write things down. In the moment, I am not thinking of the future moment when I will need the information, and that has gotten me in trouble. I’m also more afraid than I look like.  I am filled with fear.”  He said it with a little catch in his throat, being afraid as he said it.  It was totally authentic, and I got it. I shared that I too was afraid. And I shared that, as consultants, we know it’s universal; it’s not personal, and it is everywhere. And we pretend it is nowhere. “So write...

I have learned so much playing the World of Warcraft with my grandson, Davis, age 11. Davis wants to play with us, play with our work team, 3 of whom are in Australia, so we have to coordinate times when we are all awake at the same time, so we go back and forth on email until bingo we have a time we have all agreed to. It isn’t a time that we all wanted to play right now, right now like Davis wanted to at 8:30, now now now on a school night. Davis said as I tucked him in and he was pouting a little, could I help him get to Tenaris, the realm where we are playing the World of Warcraft and could I help him get to be at level 25 where we are so he would be ready to play with us and I said yes, yes, yes of course and we set up a time next Sunday when I will have landed at my desk after a week of work and play travel in Atlanta. We are asking his Dad, Stan to come to play too. He got quiet for a moment then promised that he would be able to play with the team, “I promise,” meaning that he ...

We are talking to presidents and CEOs all the time. And doctors and health care administrators and museum directors, to not continue to think of themselves and to not continue to be the worker/entrepreneur.  There is such a pull to do the work and miss the bigger picture.  We are also talking to them about not only being the CEO, but also being a remarkable leader and a visionary leader who sees the bigger picture, who sees the people and resources he or she has.  Really sees. We are talking about not just dealing with what is immediately at hand, although important. And important to deal with what is immediate, including the failures and breakdowns and lessons learned.  And important to deal with, and have him or her deal with, failures as if they are 100% responsible for them. That is our work, day in and day out, to have conversations with business leaders to think beyond, to create beyond, to go beyond. Not just the challenge of the day, but t...

I am thinking about my relationship with money.  It is hard to tell the difference between my relationship and our r elationship, “ our ” being our culture ’ s. The cultural conversation mostly seems like a reality -- ain ’ t  no “ conversation ” to it.  You gotta be kidding me!  Take in more than you spend? Even THEY are struggling with that “ reality ” in Congress.  Don ’ t live high on the hog, higher than your means.  Save for your old age.  Get the best deal.  Don ’ t give money to beggars, it just perpetuates the problem.  Don ’ t show off. Then there is:  Don ’ t talk about money, definitely not about how much something costs.  I barely look at the bill when it comes from the waiter. I just give them my credit card. When I am with someone who examines the bill for dinner with great care and attention, it embarrasses me a little, not for myself, but for them and their rudeness and tediousness. Don ...