“But Enough About Me…” How & Why to Be In Another’s World, by Nancy Chek

When my friend Carla and I visited a friend in New Jersey for the first time, we walked into her apartment and immediately began emptying ashtrays, collecting trash and cleaning the cat box, even while chatting amiably. We were so taken over by the sensory assault that we never paused to consider how our efforts might occur to our hostess.

We’ve all been there. Something triggers us, and we dive into action without even thinking about the impact. Trouble is, that kind of knee-jerk action can kick off a whole host of relationship issues: hurt feelings, confusion, disconnection, defensiveness, blame, smoldering resentment, gossip, and on it goes. And in the workplace, when there are big goals to accomplish through people and collaboration, those are road blocks we can’t afford to let block our way.

There are myriad ways to work on not letting our first impulse be the one that gets to come out and play. One of those is what we call “being in another’s world.”

What does that take?

First is being able to focus on someone else. And what does that take? Being able to set side my own concerns for a minute. And what does that take? Being in a non-threatened state—free of an all-consuming focus—for one thing. For instance, I imagine if I’m drowning, my world of too much water and not enough air might demand all my attention.

“Taken over” is a good expression for being unavailable to be in another’s world.  I’ve been taken over by fear of not fitting in at social gatherings (which, of course, only makes fitting in more difficult). I’ve been taken over by what I’m writing (please do not bother me), by wondering where the nearest Starbucks is, by wanting to just get out of some place and kick my shoes off and have a Coke, by worrying about how I look. For the record, wondering what other people think of me is not being in their world. There’s that old Bette Midler joke: “But enough about me. Let’s talk about you. What do you think of me?”

So being free, being available, is one thing. Then being willing to be in another’s world is another. It’s not like being in another’s world means you have to move in and take out a mortgage. It’s a visit. And what does it take beyond being willing? I’m going to say being curious, being interested. We human beings seem to be naturally interested in each other, curious about each other, some more than others. Though one man confessed to me once that his interest was strictly limited to what use someone could be to him in his real estate business.

Another thing that’s required to be in another’s world is giving up judgment. Giving up the right to judge, the lure of making oneself superior, basically making oneself separate. A few years after Nixon resigned, I was in conversation with someone and found this outrageous statement coming out of my mouth: “Haldeman and Erlichman probably didn’t think they were bad either.”

The thought shocked me. Of course, to be able to even have the thought, I had to dip a toe into their world. Up until then, they were just two sleazy political goons who went to jail for their misdeeds.  Since then, I’ve experimented with even more outrageous thoughts: Did Hitler think he was bad? Attila the Hun? Stalin? Can I even entertain such thoughts?

Perhaps something to do with identity hinders our being in another’s world.  Holding on to a limited and highly selective notion of self is like saying, “I am a fixed entity, with fixed characteristics. Whatever you’ve got, don’t get any on me.” As if seeing and examining the color blue might give me cyanosis.

So what does it take to be in another’s world?

Being present.

Being open and curious and interested.

Being humble and respectful.

Being willing to be all of it, all possibilities, just for a second.